David Savvides applauds the selflessness of civil servants

Column 7 - 21.7.04

David Savvides applauds the selflessness of civil servants

84,150 is a large and strangely precise number. It is roughly the population of Hastings. The question everyone is asking is, will Gordon Brown, the acting CEO of UK plc, be successful in his battle to wipe out the equivalent of Hastings?

Perhaps an answer may be gleaned from the speech that he intends to give at the farewell ceremony planned by the Treasury for departing public employees. I have been lucky enough to obtain a leaked document containing the speech and details of the event. All Ôretiring' civil servants will be invited to it, but because of the cost of laying it on, there will apparently be a charge - typically around 20% of attendees' pensions.

After the buffet dinner, consisting of peanuts, pork scratchings, and tap water (thus saving money for frontline services), the Chancellor will rise and utter the following carefully considered words:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I can confirm that the civil service has a long and proud tradition. Sir Peter Gershon and I are well aware of the hardship you have undergone for the sake of this nation. The additional days of illness you suffer above those of your colleagues in the private sector testifies to the great stress under which you have been working.

"It is often said that greater love hath no man or woman than that he (or she) give up his (or her) job for the sake of the total spending envelope. I want you to know that I can and will appreciate the sacrifice you are making on behalf of my ambition. However, I can not report that Oliver Letwin shares this feeling.

"When you leave this room, it will be in the fullest confidence that this country is well on its way to achieving its long term target of my becoming prime minister. But in addition to this, you will find through the revolving door at the rear a number of agencies' representatives pump-primed to re-deploy you on new initiatives commensurate to our ambitious spending targets for the future."

His speech goes to on outline multiple metamorphoses of staff to frontline footsoldiers. Redundant RAF personnel will be encouraged to become community police officers, and issued with hang-gliders to allow them to cover more ground. Infantrymen will be urged to retrain as teachers - ideal for maintaining classroom discipline. And the entire Department of Agriculture and Rural Affairs will be farmed out to plant seeds, pick fruit, and collect cockles in Morecambe Bay. The fresh outdoor air is much healthier than a stuffy office.

In short, Hastings will be expected to move. Yet we know what happened to the last CEO of England who had a little skirmish at HastingsÉ


Column 7 - 21.7.04 David Savvides applauds the selflessness of civil servants 84,150 is a large and strangely precise number. It is roughly the population of Hastings. The question everyone is asking is, will Gordon Brown, the acting CEO of UK plc, be successful in his battle to wipe out the equivalent of Hastings? Perhaps an answer may be gleaned from the speech that he intends to give at the farewell ceremony planned by the Treasury for departing public employees. I have been lucky enough to obtain a leaked document containing the speech and details of the event. All Ôretiring' civil servants will be invited to it, but because of the cost of laying it on, there will apparently be a charge - typically around 20% of attendees' pensions. After the buffet dinner, consisting of peanuts, pork scratchings, and tap water (thus saving money for frontline services), the Chancellor will rise and utter the following carefully considered words: "Ladies and gentlemen, I can confirm that the civil service has a long and proud tradition. Sir Peter Gershon and I are well aware of the hardship you have undergone for the sake of this nation. The additional days of illness you suffer above those of your colleagues in the private sector testifies to the great stress under which you have been working. "It is often said that greater love hath no man or woman than that he (or she) give up his (or her) job for the sake of the total spending envelope. I want you to know that I can and will appreciate the sacrifice you are making on behalf of my ambition. However, I can not report that Oliver Letwin shares this feeling. "When you leave this room, it will be in the fullest confidence that this country is well on its way to achieving its long term target of my becoming prime minister. But in addition to this, you will find through the revolving door at the rear a number of agencies' representatives pump-primed to re-deploy you on new initiatives commensurate to our ambitious spending targets for the future." His speech goes to on outline multiple metamorphoses of staff to frontline footsoldiers. Redundant RAF personnel will be encouraged to become community police officers, and issued with hang-gliders to allow them to cover more ground. Infantrymen will be urged to retrain as teachers - ideal for maintaining classroom discipline. And the entire Department of Agriculture and Rural Affairs will be farmed out to plant seeds, pick fruit, and collect cockles in Morecambe Bay. The fresh outdoor air is much healthier than a stuffy office. In short, Hastings will be expected to move. Yet we know what happened to the last CEO of England who had a little skirmish at HastingsÉ
savvides@cyberium.co.uk \| First published in Public Servant issue 7
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