Column 8- 4.8.04

David Savvides watches Big Brother...

Of course, there is absolutely no relationship between that popular television programme, in which the public votes non-entities who have thrust themselves into the limelight out of said limelight; and public service, in which the public votes talented individuals who have thrust themselves into the public arena out of said arena. Up till now, that is.

Pressure group Privacy International, which campaigns against Big Brother tendencies in government, has voted Margaret Hodge Britain's "worst public servant". One of Privacy International's other awards acknowledged the herculean failures of NHS IT projects, which makes you wonder why they thought that Hodge's plan to keep a database on the country's 11 million children would ever work. The vote didn't remove her from office - but that may be about to change.

I can now reveal that a hidden aim of Labour's third term will be to set up Blair's own tv channel - BTV (codenamed 'Blaired Vision'). This PFI project, expected to be financed by the free advertising given to its private partners, will attempt to balance the shameful treatment of politicians in the rest of the media with a true insight into their lives, and make them "seem more human" (I quote from the relevant minutes).

These minutes give examples of the kinds of shows it might feature. Recognising that soaps are effective at reaching the traditional Labour voters, 'Westenders' would follow the emotional lives of a group of typical Senior Public Servants (no similarity intended to real people). In the first episode, wheeler-dealer 'Gordon' has a touch of the old erectile dysfunction. The poor love is clearly embarrassed, and asks shop-owner Patty to help out, but she can't lend a hand...

In 'Elephant City', John's attempts to cut down hospital waiting lists meet opposition from an evil plan of Dr Death's to force the country's inhabitants to eat mountains of junk food. All seems hopeless until at the last moment his boss Tony steps in to buy all the food and ship it to Africa - "where it's truly needed".

Another soap, 'Threadneedle Street', opens a window onto the hard work, heavy responsibilities and stress of an under-appreciated group of ordinary bank execs. Eg, Merv overhears Ed talking about a deal that will cut him out, and sends high class hooker Chloe round to sabotage his reputation with the shareholders...

'The Home Office' features a tragically emotionally disabled hero's battle against international crime cartels, drug lords and teenagers with spray cans. Overcoming his disability he comes up with a scheme to bug the minds of every citizen, thereby being able to stop a crime before it's even committed...

And finally, there will be 'Bigger Brother' - in which Cabinet Ministers are imprisoned in a sink estate and given £64 a week. Viewers can vote to give them primitive weapons, and they must struggle to survive until only one is left. The winner is then allowed to know the Prime Minister's policy plans.